I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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