I intend to get homeless drunk
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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