I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
