Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
