I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
