My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
