when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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