At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Randomize
