the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
