It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
