I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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