The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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