My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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