I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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