I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
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I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
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I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.