Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
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We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
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Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?