Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
