70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
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i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
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he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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