i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
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Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
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We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.