I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.