I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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