Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
