Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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