I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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