Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
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hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
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I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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