You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
