so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just found puke in my bra..
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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