based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
