I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
