Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
