Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Vodka?
Forever.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
