matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
