i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
