Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
