I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
