i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I think I just sharted jello shots
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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