Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
