Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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