o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
