What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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