The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
