my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
