the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
