so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
