the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
