Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
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keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
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Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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