Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
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I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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