my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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