I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
