I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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