I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
