omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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