it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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