I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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