Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I think my moral compass just broke
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
