Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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