Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
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