Michael Bay diarrhea
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
