the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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