We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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