No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
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Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
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Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
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