Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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