Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
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24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
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Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
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